Because you have such little faith let me tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, "move from here to there" and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you. Matthew 17:20Yesterday I met someone at the beach. It seemed accidental when she caught up to me while walking along the trail. At first, I assumed she would keep her pace, say some pleasantries and not even notice my tears. Damn those stupid iPod songs. I slowed down a bit so she could pass. On the trail, one must stay within the walking etiquette rules.
Instead, she matched my pace and offered up a “Nice day isn’t it?”
The warmth in her voice calmed my how-dare-someone-invade-my-space-bubble attitude and I returned the question with one of my own, “I’ve seen you here before, do you live around here?”
She appeared to be somewhat taken aback, as if I was the one being nosey or getting too personal. Hey, she started this whole thing, but answered me with a vague, “Just up the road a bit, you?”
Even though, I was beginning to feel a bit awkward and reluctant I answered her with a brief, “Me too.”
As if she sensed my discomfort she broke into some general niceties. I could handle that. After a bit, the conversation slowed and we walked in silence for a while. Soon I decided to take control of the situation and pick up my pace to end this encounter. I needed to walk alone. I wanted to wallow in my doubt and fears for at least a while longer. I needed to prove to myself and everyone else how trapped I feel to be getting old and how since my nest is empty, I feel empty. I wanted to pester God again, with my entire list of why’s, how’s, when’s, & where’s that I want to be privy to. I wanted to walk alone. Or did I? I felt a calming attraction, almost as if I was being pulled into a new friendship. I could not quicken my step. Her next question startled me, I felt like lashing out her or someone, “I couldn't help but notice your tears.” Well, the nerve! What would I do now? I wanted to generalize, some generalities. I was menopausal. She seemed about my age, I’m sure she could handle that. Midlife crisis. Some regrets. Instead, I heard myself telling her the truth. I told her how blatantly selfish I am. And how sometimes in the midst of family and friends, I’m painfully lonely. And then as if I had not done enough damage to my self already, I told her of my struggle to keep an ember of a faith from going completely cold.
She listened. I kept turning the knife in my back. I spilled my doubts and frustrations with wanting more out of life. I started crying again when I told her I wanted to fall passionately in love with my creator, but sometimes I do not even think he exists. She kept listening. I kept confessing.
When we came to a fork in the trail, she said she had to go. Then she invited me to a new church, called “The Bridge” and added, "Trust me when I say, “I don’t believe that church is the answer to all life’s problems, but it’s a place to start…it’s a step."
I told her I would meet her, but when I got there Sunday I did not see her.
Today I went back to the beach in hopes of meeting her again. I walked the entire trail that eventually dumped out onto the shoreline. Just as I finished a selfish halfhearted prayer, I saw her walking out of the dunes. I waved and as she came closer, I noticed she was wearing the same clothes she had on yesterday.
“Hi,” I said enthusiastically, “I looked for you at church?”
She turned and with all honesty simply said, “I was there.”
I was captivated now. I’m not one to collect new friends; I struggle to keep the ones I have. But she was different. I wanted to get to know her better and so I asked if she wanted to walk together for a bit.
“Sure, I can go for a while, but not too long today,” she said while glancing at her watch. This time she did most of the talking. I had told myself that I talked too much yesterday and that if I saw her again I would do the listening. But all she talked about was me. She encouraged and praised my piddly efforts at looking out for others and yet at the same time she encouraged me to keep working on me. When I asked her if she had ever met someone with so many doubts she said she had never met anyone who didn’t doubt. She calmed my questioning soul with this simple solution. “You have a lot of human problems that require spiritual solutions.” That simple statement offered me a new perspective.
How could she be hitting my cold, bitter, selfish, nail right on the head, without a hint of preachiness? She was reaching and I was responding. She went on for a bit longer about the faith of a mustard seed, strong families, leaving legacies, and being the daughter of a King. Her words inspired me to act like one.
Her voice started growing faint. A cool breeze had picked up and the sun was dipping below the horizon, when she said she had to go. She had already started to climb the dune stairs, when I realized we had never even introduced ourselves. “My name is Julee," I offered up over the wind.
She smiled warmly and waved, “so is mine!”
And then she was gone.
Instead, she matched my pace and offered up a “Nice day isn’t it?”
The warmth in her voice calmed my how-dare-someone-invade-my-space-bubble attitude and I returned the question with one of my own, “I’ve seen you here before, do you live around here?”
She appeared to be somewhat taken aback, as if I was the one being nosey or getting too personal. Hey, she started this whole thing, but answered me with a vague, “Just up the road a bit, you?”
Even though, I was beginning to feel a bit awkward and reluctant I answered her with a brief, “Me too.”
As if she sensed my discomfort she broke into some general niceties. I could handle that. After a bit, the conversation slowed and we walked in silence for a while. Soon I decided to take control of the situation and pick up my pace to end this encounter. I needed to walk alone. I wanted to wallow in my doubt and fears for at least a while longer. I needed to prove to myself and everyone else how trapped I feel to be getting old and how since my nest is empty, I feel empty. I wanted to pester God again, with my entire list of why’s, how’s, when’s, & where’s that I want to be privy to. I wanted to walk alone. Or did I? I felt a calming attraction, almost as if I was being pulled into a new friendship. I could not quicken my step. Her next question startled me, I felt like lashing out her or someone, “I couldn't help but notice your tears.” Well, the nerve! What would I do now? I wanted to generalize, some generalities. I was menopausal. She seemed about my age, I’m sure she could handle that. Midlife crisis. Some regrets. Instead, I heard myself telling her the truth. I told her how blatantly selfish I am. And how sometimes in the midst of family and friends, I’m painfully lonely. And then as if I had not done enough damage to my self already, I told her of my struggle to keep an ember of a faith from going completely cold.
She listened. I kept turning the knife in my back. I spilled my doubts and frustrations with wanting more out of life. I started crying again when I told her I wanted to fall passionately in love with my creator, but sometimes I do not even think he exists. She kept listening. I kept confessing.
When we came to a fork in the trail, she said she had to go. Then she invited me to a new church, called “The Bridge” and added, "Trust me when I say, “I don’t believe that church is the answer to all life’s problems, but it’s a place to start…it’s a step."
I told her I would meet her, but when I got there Sunday I did not see her.
Today I went back to the beach in hopes of meeting her again. I walked the entire trail that eventually dumped out onto the shoreline. Just as I finished a selfish halfhearted prayer, I saw her walking out of the dunes. I waved and as she came closer, I noticed she was wearing the same clothes she had on yesterday.
“Hi,” I said enthusiastically, “I looked for you at church?”
She turned and with all honesty simply said, “I was there.”
I was captivated now. I’m not one to collect new friends; I struggle to keep the ones I have. But she was different. I wanted to get to know her better and so I asked if she wanted to walk together for a bit.
“Sure, I can go for a while, but not too long today,” she said while glancing at her watch. This time she did most of the talking. I had told myself that I talked too much yesterday and that if I saw her again I would do the listening. But all she talked about was me. She encouraged and praised my piddly efforts at looking out for others and yet at the same time she encouraged me to keep working on me. When I asked her if she had ever met someone with so many doubts she said she had never met anyone who didn’t doubt. She calmed my questioning soul with this simple solution. “You have a lot of human problems that require spiritual solutions.” That simple statement offered me a new perspective.
How could she be hitting my cold, bitter, selfish, nail right on the head, without a hint of preachiness? She was reaching and I was responding. She went on for a bit longer about the faith of a mustard seed, strong families, leaving legacies, and being the daughter of a King. Her words inspired me to act like one.
Her voice started growing faint. A cool breeze had picked up and the sun was dipping below the horizon, when she said she had to go. She had already started to climb the dune stairs, when I realized we had never even introduced ourselves. “My name is Julee," I offered up over the wind.
She smiled warmly and waved, “so is mine!”
And then she was gone.
3 Got Comments?:
Wow, Julee Ann! What a story! May you find the close, vital relationship with the Creator that you long for! The journey will be well worth it!
I serve in the encouragement and prayer ministries at my own church and also write a weekly sermon summary and discussion sheet for our small groups to use at their meetings. Oftentimes reaching out to others and offering an encouraging word can be just what WE need to help us through our OWN times of doubt, fear, or sadness.
A few great websites for believing women are www.blessedlady.com and www.marylandwomenofworship.com. I've written a few devotions for women which are currently appearing on these sites, as well as in the MDWOW devotional study guides. Check out these sites and be blessed!
Love and prayers,
Jeanne
Great story, Julee. God always knows just what we need. He is so awesome in the way He meets those needs sometimes. Other times we hardly even notice.
Thank you for looking at my blog. I love A Severe Mercy. It's about time for me to read it again.
My sister's name is Julie Ann :)
You wrote on your blog page that you wanted critique on style. One thing that jumped at me was the last line of the second paragraph: "Even though, I was beginning to feel a bit awkward and reluctant I answered her with a brief, 'Me too.'" I think that the comma in the sentence could be moved to a place between "reluctant" and "I" in order to help the flow of the sentence. As it stands now, when I first read the sentence, I had to re-read it in order to grasp the meaning.
On a different level, was this simply a story or was it something you actually experienced yourself?
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