Parenting For Dummies

Today I may lose the last of my 4 readers.

The book proposal "Four Letter Words To Teach your Kids" is at the publishers. First come, first served on the rights to a TV copycat show like Super Nanny for teenagers.

"Oh what a tangled web parents weave when they think that their children are naive." -- Ogden Nash

WTF is wrong with today's teenagers?
People!
I know the answer and you're not gonna like it.

It's their f**ktarded parents.

And in case, you're already, sitting back smugly, thinking, "She can't be talking to me, cuz I maintain the upper hand, am a carpooling addict, and we eat together as a family every night." ---I AM TALKING ESPECIALLY TO YOU. Can you hear me now? If you think, you're ok just because your pendulum swings to the right, and you've memorized Proverbs 22:6. I want you to finish reading, even though I'm positive you stopped at f**ktarded.

HERE'S THE PROBLEM; PARENTS. YOU HAVE NEGLECTED TO USE 4-LETTER WORDS AND IN THE PROCESS WILL/HAVE LOST YOUR CHILD TO THOSE WHO DO.

LOVE: You cannot just say it, you have to show it, and they HAVE to feel it, even in the instant they say, I hate you.

"I love you, but…" U-N-A-C-C-E-P-T-A-B-L-E.

They CANNOT hear "I love you," when you have an agenda.

HEAR: You NEED to listen like it's your job. Homework: the VERY next time they open their mouths--your assignment will be to repeat back to them verbatim and then ask them if you heard right.

HOPE: Offer them an out. Let them brooch a subject with you and promise to not rant, punish in anger, or judge for an hour or never.

TALK: as in let them. See # 2.

LIVE: life to the max. And if you think that means acquire a successful business, buy a big house, vacation, gain material possessions, THEN demand that they go to college and do the same, ---you are a lost cause, and no one can help you.

If the first thing that came to your mind was a lively discussion around a campfire, arm in arm during a worship service at the Grand Canyon, working side by side on Thanksgiving day at a homeless shelter, or getting the livin' heck beat out of you at their newest video or game of horse…you're on the right track.

PLAY: And I do not mean: Travel soccer teams, or newborn dance classes. Play WITH them. Have fun. Laugh. Joke. Tease them MERCIFULLY and let yourself be the butt of the joke once in a while. Do what they like to do. Ask them what makes them laugh. Smile every time they walk in the door. Let the world know they light up your life. If they ask to play catch, and you say later, you deserve the tagline I gave in the opener.

LOOK: Your eyes should NEVER be in the back of your head. Tell them up front. I will snoop. I will listen in on conversations. Make them call from a landline once in a while. Read their MySpace, Facebook, E-mail, and Text messages. Tell them to tell their friends you have all their passwords, so they should relay information accordingly. It's like an automatic SPAM control. (You DO have all their passwords, don't you?)

CARE: About THEM. NOT WHAT THE NEIGHBORS THINK. And definitely not how you were when you were their age. Care about others. Give to others. Give until it hurts a little. Or a lot. Adopt a family at the Rescue Mission or across town. Have them over, and learn more four letter words from them. During the holidays is good, but year round is better.

HOLD: This one has a double meaning. #1.Touch them, hug them, go eye to eye, hold them closer, pat them on the back (literally and figuratively), praise them. #2. Discipline. It means disciple, or teach someone to follow the rules and behave in an ordered fashion. They want it, they need it, it's your responsibility to figure it out, give it in love, make the punishment fit the crime, and carry it out. Try to dole out mercifully so you don't have to back out or give in. The punishment always needs to hurt (not their soul---but their social life, their wallet, their attitude, their plans) the discipline does not.

DO NOT BAIL THEM OUT OF JAIL OR SITUATIONS. They must suffer the consequences. These are serious life building skills parents, and you can't afford to skip this class. It will be the longest chapter in the book!

SHOW: Stop letting them dress, act, and look like Brittany Spears, and help them want to become more like Mother Teresa. Warning: This might involve; cutting out your gym membership to speed walk at the mall, giving up Este Lauder for Target mascara, and dressing yourself somewhere closer to a burka than Halle Berry.
Your child might not like it when you (with no embarrassing remarks to the cashier at The Buckle), return her low waisted jeans-buy a warm, fuzzy blanket and two or three pairs of flannel pajamas and then donate the items to "your" family at the Rescue Mission. She might not like it, but she WILL remember. Even if it was "her" hard-earned money and the only style on sale. I have so much more to say here on leading by example, cleavage, spending habits, American Idols, walking your talk, and balance. I guess you'll have to order the book.

LEAD: You are the parent. Guide them. Walk alongside them. Don't let them walk all over you. Train, teach, support. Don't blame ANYONE OR ANYTHING if they get out of control. It's not society's or the internet's fault. You reap what you sow.
And now back to our sponsors.

We have left the best until last.

PRAY. Over them, with them, for them, around them. Teach them to pray. Teach it every day and write it upon the wipeoff boards and paint it on the doorposts.
Even if it's your last resort, what have you got to lose?


"Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it."
Proverbs 22:6

The translation for "in the way they should go" is this:

When the warriors and hunters would go out to the fields to look for bow and arrow material, they would take the reeds and run their hands over them time and time again. It was to see which way the reed was bent, so then they could make the bow to angle that way.

The way it should go.

Bonus thoughts; (Stuff I can't really find four-letter words for, yet)
Figure it out parents. Learn how they're bent. 100 to 0, it's going to be a bit different than how you're wired. Are we tracking?

The world is not going to stop if you played first chair trumpet in the MSU marching band and your child does not want to sign up for 6th grade band.

They're not going to hell if you went to Catholic Mass everyday and they meet in a mall to worship.

Same God.

Give them as much leeway as possible when they are, coming into their own, discovering their personality, and creatively finding their niche. Say yes, to whatever you can. (Read: don't major on the minors.) Dressing Goth, Popularity, Electronics, Music, Friends, MySpace, even Church AND Sports, can become their god, as easily as gang membership. Your over encouragement and/or disgust can send find them down a very confusing path.

If you ever feel the desire to give them more than you had, put yourself in time out, and come back here to reread these a hundred times.

WARNING: I guess I coulda made this one a four-letter word, but it doesn't mean to warn THEM. It's a warning to you.

Home schooled kids can chose not to believe.

Non-churched kids can become believers, AND wonderful caring citizens even if they went to public school.

It's not a set of rules and regulations.

It's all about---well---it's really all about Him.

It's what you and your children chose to do with Jesus.

It's just Jesus.

And now before you start saying, "Preach it girl" and I haven't even hit publish. Go back through these and make sure you heard and understand. Time to cowboy up and parent.

My niece asked me the other day if I was intentional with my kids. I'm not sure I was, on a regular basis, or if anyone can be, but this I do know: they've all "Caught it" and made it their own.

But, by the grace of God.