The clock reads 4:16am and I flip my pillow in hopes of finding a cooler spot. I stick a foot, then a whole leg outside the blankets. By 4:18 I've thrown off all covers, and wait to see if I'll return to sleep. This too, shall pass.
It happens almost every night, now. I wake and wonder about the future--and the past. Alone in the dark, with only my thoughts to comfort me, I’m scared. I don’t want to lose my parents, my spouse, my children, nor am I a fan of dying myself. I want my own way and I don’t want any “biggies.” Unlike Jim Carrey's character in The Truman Show, if it means I can remain happy and unhurt, I'll stay holed up on the sound stage my whole life. If making difficult choices and leading a passionate life means I must endure heartache, I'm thinking--no thank-you.
I don’t have heart palpitations, I don’t feel out of control and it’s not that I can’t breathe. It’s a different kind of fear. It borders on an "Alfie" fatalism. How can I sit in the middle of family and friends and feel so alone? When do I get to be happy? Will I always be a hypocrite? And judgemental? I'm like a character on a giant movie set--just going through the motions and returning back to scared and lonely when the show is over.
I want peace. Oh yes, I'm all for WORLD peace---especially while the girls are in a volatile environment. But what I long for is real peace, deep down in my soul.
I’m not stupid. I realize when I post on the Internet that ANYONE can follow along. A while back, an anonymous commenter, left this for me--
Are you sure you want an editor? You are bold! Okay. Write more of what you really think about things to your CORE. Hit me in the gut.--
I’ve thought of posting the inner turmoil about my selfish and lonely night sweats ever since.
Season 7 of American Idol starts tomorrow night, so I’ll probably revert back to fickle.
Jan 14 Reading of Streams In The Desert
When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them. (John 10:4)
This is intensely difficult work for Him and us---it is difficult for us to go, but equally difficult for Him to cause us pain. Yet it must be done. It would not be in our best interest to always remain in one happy and comfortable location. Therefore he moves us forward. The shepherd leaves the fold so the sheep will move on to the vitalizing mountain slopes. In the same way, laborers must be driven out into the harvest, or else the golden grain would spoil.
But take heart. It could never be better to stay once He determines otherwise; if the loving hand of our Lord moves us forward, it must be best. Forward, in His name, to green pastures, quiet waters, and mountain heights. Ps 23:2 So whatever awaits us is encountered first by Him, and the eye of faith can always discern His majestic presence out in front. When His presences cannot be seen, it is dangerous to move ahead. Comfort your heart with the fact that the Savior has Himself experienced all the trials he asks us to endure: He would not ask you to pass through them unless He was sure that the paths were not too difficult or strenuous for us.
This is the blessed life---not anxious to see far down the road, nor overly concerned about the next step, not eager to choose the path nor weighted down with the heavy responsibilities of the future, but quietly following the Shepherd, one step at a time. The biblical shepherd always walked ahead of his sheep. He was always out in front. Any attack upon the sheep had to take him into account first. Now God is out in front. He is in our tomorrows, and it is tomorrow that fills people with fear. Yet God is already there. All the tomorrows of our life have to pass through Him before they can get to us.
At or around, 5am this morning, I finally spilled some of my sadness to an audience of One. He knew about most of it anyway. Then, at a more respectable hour, I was able to share with my daughters. Their support, honesty, readings and prayers gave me hope. Now almost 12 hours later, turns out, it’s your turn.
Season 7 of American Idol starts tomorrow night, so I’ll probably revert back to fickle.
Jan 14 Reading of Streams In The Desert
When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them. (John 10:4)
This is intensely difficult work for Him and us---it is difficult for us to go, but equally difficult for Him to cause us pain. Yet it must be done. It would not be in our best interest to always remain in one happy and comfortable location. Therefore he moves us forward. The shepherd leaves the fold so the sheep will move on to the vitalizing mountain slopes. In the same way, laborers must be driven out into the harvest, or else the golden grain would spoil.
But take heart. It could never be better to stay once He determines otherwise; if the loving hand of our Lord moves us forward, it must be best. Forward, in His name, to green pastures, quiet waters, and mountain heights. Ps 23:2 So whatever awaits us is encountered first by Him, and the eye of faith can always discern His majestic presence out in front. When His presences cannot be seen, it is dangerous to move ahead. Comfort your heart with the fact that the Savior has Himself experienced all the trials he asks us to endure: He would not ask you to pass through them unless He was sure that the paths were not too difficult or strenuous for us.
This is the blessed life---not anxious to see far down the road, nor overly concerned about the next step, not eager to choose the path nor weighted down with the heavy responsibilities of the future, but quietly following the Shepherd, one step at a time. The biblical shepherd always walked ahead of his sheep. He was always out in front. Any attack upon the sheep had to take him into account first. Now God is out in front. He is in our tomorrows, and it is tomorrow that fills people with fear. Yet God is already there. All the tomorrows of our life have to pass through Him before they can get to us.
F.B.MEYER 
